There’s a reason over 12 000 people have joined this group- for better or worse, Facebook has converted us all to part-time private eyes. Whether its our drunken pash from the night before, the cute boy in our tutorial, or even your current boyfriend’s ex… we have knowledge at our fingertips.
So how does this impact our relationships? With all this new information before us, are we better able to identify the needle in the Retard haystack? Unfortunately no. It seems that despite our favourite friends Google, Facebook, Myspace (for a time-capsule glimpse of your new love 2 years ago), Twitter, White Pages and Google Streetview (eep) just further enable the Retard to hide his abnormality behind his carefully constructed cyber self.
So how to cut through the shit and identify the degree of retardation from word go?
The technological snooping tools are overwhelming, so lets use today’s lesson to discuss the Number One offender: Facebook.
Here are some key areas to examine in assessing your man’s position on the Retardation Scale:
Profile Picture: Hands down the greatest indicator. Certain things are no go zones. These include shirtless profile pictures, the ‘pimp in a posse of ho’s’ look, drunken mates photos, overly wanky artistic shots or any photo involving a man who is off tits on pills, or enjoying a sneaky spliff. If any of these are present, clearly he is functionally retarded and is in need of asylum. Check past profile pictures too- he may be alert to your stalkerish ways and censored his shady past.
His ‘About Me’: This series of boxes offers the chance to show your best self to the world. If he has deigned it necessary to complete, he will typically fall into two categories, both of which concerning. These are:
Trashbag: His favourite music resembles the back of a Ministry of Sound Annual- PNAU, Presets, Muscles, Carl Cox, Potbelleez (aaah) and if you are lucky, maybe a smattering of MSTRKRFT/Justice/Dizzee Rascal. His interests include: hanging with mates, drinking beers, festivals, the beach and playing footy.
Yes. He is indeed as shallow as his profile portrays him. Unless you can conduct an indepth conversation as to the merits of the latest Festival lineup, or how ‘zomg totally awesome Daft Punk were even though it was 3 years ago and I was like, totally off chops, but fuck man” you will be ready to shoot yourself in the head in an attempt to maintain sanity.
Indie Intellectual: His mortal enemy is the Trashbag, and he will use his Facebook information to demonstrate this. He will go to extraordinary lengths to detail his favourite avant guard films (Donnie Darko, Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind, Full Metal Jacket, Black Balloon etc) and authors (Kerouac, Capote, Safran-Foer etc). His interests include red wine, coffee, second hand books and developing nations.
This kid thrives on self-worth through abstraction. Unless you are prepared to sit through plays that make Waiting for Godot look like an episode of Home and Away, back away before he explodes from an overfill of self worth.
Wall Postings/Photos Tagged: This is your greatest indication of his true nature, unless (like me) he is protective of his online image. Here, you can get to know his friends, judge them, and in doing so, judge him.
Does he have 20 messages on a Sunday morning consisting of “Maaan…. How fucked was last night? Who was that chick you were with? Tap that shit? Fuuuck my head”?
If he does, I don’t really need to say anymore.
Similarly, is it nonsensical postings which have no discernable meaning to any sanendiidual outside their clique (or should I perhaps say cult)? Back away…. I know this man. I know his friends. I dated one. This man is incapable of relationships, but is in a committed bromance… or indeed many. You will have to schedule well in advance to see this boy, as his friends and their X-Boxes trump your vagina any day.
Related to this are the tagged photos. Drunken/Stoned/Munted photos are just ugly… this is your man at his worst. Do you really want this? Check out comments such as “piiisssed”, “drankan” and other pieces of bullshit. This is the complete extent of their communicative ability.
Who is he in the photos with? If it is once again his posse of bleach blonde, orange trash-bat girls who look like their main aspiration is pose in Ralph/FHM then you have no place in his life… you are his dirty little secret. What would his similarly retarded buddies thinking of him dating someone who can actually spell???
Also, if it is photo after photo of guys embracing, arms over shoulders, holding beers and pulling goofy faces, then please ask yourself: Where do I fit in this photo? With the other girlfriends at home perhaps? If you are prepared to settle for this- invest in a comfortable couch. You will spend many a Saturday night there.
This is just the beginning of Facebook transgressions, however through our experience, these offences are so common, if you can make it to the end of this posting without recognising one of these Retard symptoms, you may well have found yourself one of the exceptions….
But perhaps check Myspace/Twitter/Google and every other tool favoured by a proper stalker before you get too excited….
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