So yeah. I probably shouldn't spend so much of my life cracking the shits about people's lax facebook etiquette. I'm fairly certain there are much bigger things in the world I could worry about. But you know, climate change, world poverty, personal and governmental debt and whatnot are the fodder of my other writing (yeah, the serious kind. When my mind ventures beyond facebook and other brainless procrastination fodder).
But for now, facebook.
I have previously detailed by vehement hatred for those who cannot contain their affection for their other half to the real world, and instead clog my newsfeed with nauseating saccharine shit which reeks of insecurity rather than infatuation.
However, this rage has been not only maintained, but increased by recent pollution my poor sweet home page has had to incur.
And what is this internet crime you ask?
VIRTUAL INTERNET PORN!!
A recent e-trend which appears to be on the rise is the tendency of couples to post sexually explicit comments to each other, with absolutely NO regard for the many mutual friends who are subjected to this filthy overshare.
An example?
'Babe, you are so hot.... I can't wait for you to cum home... im going to drag u 2 bed...'
WHAT THE FUUUUUUCK????? Grammar and abbreviation issues aside, what person thinks this is acceptable?
I nearly spat dhal all over my laptop screen when reading this whilst eating dinner the other night.
I cannot fathom who undergoes rational thought process and concludes such a posting is indeed a good plan of action?
Ugh. Words fail me right now... However I'm feeling this may be grounds for defriending? I know I have personally been defriended for lesser crimes (heh heh heh).
And now for something happy...
SINGING CATS!! Like singing dogs, but better, coz they're like, you know, cats and all...
Showing posts with label Facebook. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Facebook. Show all posts
Friday, August 7, 2009
Monday, July 20, 2009
Public Displays of Affection make me hurl
Dear Diary,
I have a massive whinge for you. And yes, it is Facebook related.
I could try and be one of those people who pretends they don’t “do” facebook. Pretend to be so eclectic, whimsical and consumed with the issues of the world that I don’t have time for such nonsense, however let’s not kid ourselves. Facebook is the primary communication tool embraced by Gen Y, and it would be positively ‘un-hip’ to deny my devotion.
So….
What is really upsetting me today, and has been for some time now, is those individuals (or should I say couples) who use facebook as a tool to publicly affirm their commitment to each other.
We all know these people. Their profile pictures feature themselves and significant other in some form of passionate embrace. Their status reads something along the lines of “Kelly Jane is so in love with Marc. I am the luckiest girl in all the world”. And your minified is clogged with their wall-to-wall of completely pointless postings consisting of numerous x’s, o’s and other nonsensical bullshit.
Yeah ok look, we get it. You love each other. Good for you, I’m happy for you. Really, I am. But for the love of God I do not need to see this when I log into facebook to check my wall postings over a bowl of muesli in the morning. It makes my bran flakes difficult to stomach.
I promise this indignation does not stem from jealousy. If I think back to my Facebook behaviour whilst coupled, it certainly does not resemble such suffocating tendencies.
If I read the wall- to-wall between myself and my partner of three years, it shows a grand total of three posts in three years which are:1. You smell.
2. My brother is on the phone. Will be over in fifteen. Hope you see this.
3. Your phone is switched off. What time do we have to be at the party?
Riveting stuff all round.
Looking back to my other substantial relationship reveals absolutely nothing in the way of wall postings, inbox messages or any other clap trap. Why? Because we were together. We did not need to resort to a public forum to communicate because we could call each other.
We did not post couple photos as profile pictures as we saw ourselves as two individuals in a relationship, not one horrifying entity.
Our relationship was conducted in private, for us only. The way one presumes any relationship should be.
To me, this public saccharine shit which is forced upon me by virtue of stalker feed is repugnant. It reeks of desperation and insecurity.
Why else would one seek some public affirmation of their virtue as a couple?
My unsolicited advice for these half-wits: Step away from the computer. And walk into the arms of your other half. Do what couples do. If you don’t know what I mean, you really need to spend less time on facebook and more time in the bedroom. Because you really can’t update your status whilst doing the dirty.
Or perhaps you can… but if you are, you have more issues than I have time to deal with here.
I have a massive whinge for you. And yes, it is Facebook related.
I could try and be one of those people who pretends they don’t “do” facebook. Pretend to be so eclectic, whimsical and consumed with the issues of the world that I don’t have time for such nonsense, however let’s not kid ourselves. Facebook is the primary communication tool embraced by Gen Y, and it would be positively ‘un-hip’ to deny my devotion.
So….What is really upsetting me today, and has been for some time now, is those individuals (or should I say couples) who use facebook as a tool to publicly affirm their commitment to each other.
We all know these people. Their profile pictures feature themselves and significant other in some form of passionate embrace. Their status reads something along the lines of “Kelly Jane is so in love with Marc. I am the luckiest girl in all the world”. And your minified is clogged with their wall-to-wall of completely pointless postings consisting of numerous x’s, o’s and other nonsensical bullshit.
Yeah ok look, we get it. You love each other. Good for you, I’m happy for you. Really, I am. But for the love of God I do not need to see this when I log into facebook to check my wall postings over a bowl of muesli in the morning. It makes my bran flakes difficult to stomach.
I promise this indignation does not stem from jealousy. If I think back to my Facebook behaviour whilst coupled, it certainly does not resemble such suffocating tendencies.
If I read the wall- to-wall between myself and my partner of three years, it shows a grand total of three posts in three years which are:1. You smell.
2. My brother is on the phone. Will be over in fifteen. Hope you see this.
3. Your phone is switched off. What time do we have to be at the party?
Riveting stuff all round.
Looking back to my other substantial relationship reveals absolutely nothing in the way of wall postings, inbox messages or any other clap trap. Why? Because we were together. We did not need to resort to a public forum to communicate because we could call each other.
We did not post couple photos as profile pictures as we saw ourselves as two individuals in a relationship, not one horrifying entity.
Our relationship was conducted in private, for us only. The way one presumes any relationship should be.
To me, this public saccharine shit which is forced upon me by virtue of stalker feed is repugnant. It reeks of desperation and insecurity.
Why else would one seek some public affirmation of their virtue as a couple?
My unsolicited advice for these half-wits: Step away from the computer. And walk into the arms of your other half. Do what couples do. If you don’t know what I mean, you really need to spend less time on facebook and more time in the bedroom. Because you really can’t update your status whilst doing the dirty.
Or perhaps you can… but if you are, you have more issues than I have time to deal with here.
PS. This person captures it better than I ever could (perhaps as they know how to do a screenshot). Hilarious
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
I See You Baby... online
I really should learn to follow my own advice. Truly.
I previously counselled against gleaning information via the www about current, potential or former partners. Those cold hard facts, or even unsubstantiated allusions bite like little bullets at our hearts.
It can be a change in ‘relationship status’ on Facebook, incriminating photos posted of your man with new women or indeed finding his own cyber contributions to (far less noteworthy) blogs.
I have two particular incidents of information gathering (a far more flattering term than plain old stalking) which stand out in my mind.
The first was soon after meeting a gentleman who would come to occupy a not-insignificant portion of my formative years. After a period of courtship, I did what any self-respecting Generation Y member does: visits Google for some sneaky research.
After the standard Facebook references, Number 1 result after a name search was a contribution made to an online study forum for the Higher School Certificate from many, many years ago. This individual had posted an essay used for an English assessment, complete with abbreviations “u” in place of “you” and “2” in place of “to”.
Before I even began contemplating whether it was ever acceptable to use personal pronouns in formal literature assessments, I was overwhelmed with absolute humiliation that something so abhorrent to me (poor grammar) had apparently crept into my list of acceptable qualities in a partner.
However I was smitten, and rather than contemplate a future of monotonous conversations devoid of witty language manipulations, substituted instead with grunts and moans, I forgave such a crime.
This momentary omission in good judgement caused me months in relationship pain an anguish, resulting in an ultimate demise. Whilst the death of the affair is more than likely not connected to his absolute language rape, in future I shall certainly be more critical of the vocabulary faculties of potential partners.
The second occasion of ill-advised stalking happened just minutes ago, and prompted me to write this post as a form of therapy.
I was happily doing ‘research’ on a certain gentlemen I have a sweet spot for, when I happened upon information regarding his previous girlfriend.
You may wonder where I found such information…. Facebook? Twitter? A blog? Godforbid Myspace?
None of these.
No, it was Wikipedia.
She is so accomplished in her field of creativity she has a freaking Wikipedia posting.
Besides my HSC results, this blog forms the peak of documentation of my online success (fml much?).
So now, I’m feeling quite unworthy and pathetic,
Why? Am I pathetic? Yes, quite possibly. I googled. I stalked. Rather than watch re-runs of Harry Potter on Channel 9 like every other normal (?) person, I sit in my study, blasting Cream and brushing up my Private Eye skills.
Unworthy? Perhaps not. Considerations as to the suitability of creative folks for non-creative people is subject for further blog fodder, however needless to say, I was perfectly happy in my own skin until I began comparing myself to a person who not only no longer features in this man’s life, but now lives overseas and is dating a member of a rather famous band.
Moral of the story: Stop stalking! Back away from the computer. Go for a run, go to a café, write some lyrics, have a double gin.
Or even better, write a blog post telling the cyber world detailing just how pathetic you are.
I previously counselled against gleaning information via the www about current, potential or former partners. Those cold hard facts, or even unsubstantiated allusions bite like little bullets at our hearts.
It can be a change in ‘relationship status’ on Facebook, incriminating photos posted of your man with new women or indeed finding his own cyber contributions to (far less noteworthy) blogs.
I have two particular incidents of information gathering (a far more flattering term than plain old stalking) which stand out in my mind.
The first was soon after meeting a gentleman who would come to occupy a not-insignificant portion of my formative years. After a period of courtship, I did what any self-respecting Generation Y member does: visits Google for some sneaky research.
After the standard Facebook references, Number 1 result after a name search was a contribution made to an online study forum for the Higher School Certificate from many, many years ago. This individual had posted an essay used for an English assessment, complete with abbreviations “u” in place of “you” and “2” in place of “to”.
Before I even began contemplating whether it was ever acceptable to use personal pronouns in formal literature assessments, I was overwhelmed with absolute humiliation that something so abhorrent to me (poor grammar) had apparently crept into my list of acceptable qualities in a partner.
However I was smitten, and rather than contemplate a future of monotonous conversations devoid of witty language manipulations, substituted instead with grunts and moans, I forgave such a crime.
This momentary omission in good judgement caused me months in relationship pain an anguish, resulting in an ultimate demise. Whilst the death of the affair is more than likely not connected to his absolute language rape, in future I shall certainly be more critical of the vocabulary faculties of potential partners.
The second occasion of ill-advised stalking happened just minutes ago, and prompted me to write this post as a form of therapy.
I was happily doing ‘research’ on a certain gentlemen I have a sweet spot for, when I happened upon information regarding his previous girlfriend.
You may wonder where I found such information…. Facebook? Twitter? A blog? Godforbid Myspace?
None of these.
No, it was Wikipedia.
She is so accomplished in her field of creativity she has a freaking Wikipedia posting.
Besides my HSC results, this blog forms the peak of documentation of my online success (fml much?).
So now, I’m feeling quite unworthy and pathetic,
Why? Am I pathetic? Yes, quite possibly. I googled. I stalked. Rather than watch re-runs of Harry Potter on Channel 9 like every other normal (?) person, I sit in my study, blasting Cream and brushing up my Private Eye skills.
Unworthy? Perhaps not. Considerations as to the suitability of creative folks for non-creative people is subject for further blog fodder, however needless to say, I was perfectly happy in my own skin until I began comparing myself to a person who not only no longer features in this man’s life, but now lives overseas and is dating a member of a rather famous band.
Moral of the story: Stop stalking! Back away from the computer. Go for a run, go to a café, write some lyrics, have a double gin.
Or even better, write a blog post telling the cyber world detailing just how pathetic you are.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
I'm not obsessed, just impolite
So despite the knowledge that the ex was and IS in fact a retard, and that at every stage in the relationship, you were in fact the ‘Hot One, the break up and consequential aftermath still hurts like hell.
So how do we obviate the hurt? Do we obviate it? Or do we let ourselves have a big fat wallow accompanied by chocolate, wine, gin and scenes not unlike Bridget Jones’ breakdown?
Honestly, I have no idea. But my rule of thumb from past understandings is that it takes around half the duration of the relationship to move on. Until that time, you’re pretty much stuffed. Take the pain, the anger, the drunken ramblings and roll with it. But here are some tried and tested words of wisdom (or… learning from my mistakes) as to what NOT to do:
1. Eschew technology-
Whilst Facebook et al are fabulous sources for information gathering, once you have established his position on the retard scale by virtue of him dumping your ass you don’t need a reminder of this.
The constant stalking of his page and lingering on chat hoping for him to appear is not helping you. Because what you are more than likely to see is him being tagged in photos with girls uglier than you, befriending slutty whores and having them incessantly comment on his wall.
Will this make you feel better? Certainly not. So JUST DON’T DO IT. Reduce the feeds you get about him…. The old adage of out of sight out of mind is most definitely true.
2. You are STILL the Hot One-
No matter how much of a douche he was in breaking it off, the fact remains that you are the hot one. So whilst he may need to run out and hook up with random skanky bitches as a means of affirming his own self worth, lowering your standards and slipping your tongue into the mouth of a lesser representative of the opposite gender does not help.
Don’t have an ugly rebound romance, and please, for the love of God don’t post it on facebook. You will regret it. I promise. I’ve been there.
Go for a run, have some gin, smoke a joint. Whatever makes you smile. Just don’t put it on the web… you are the hot one- don’t post photos which could indicate otherwise.
3. Whilst Facebook stalking is legal, physical intelligence gathering is more of an ethical and legal misnomer.
But lets face it, we do it.
It may be the frequenting of the favourite café where you used to share a Sunday morning brunch, going to a gig you perhaps wouldn’t in the hope of a run in, or altering your route to work ever so slightly to drive past his house.
Whilst we all do it, I’m fairly certain we don’t own up to it. Why? Coz we think it would make us sound COMPLETELY FUCKING CRAZY.
And it is. It feels comforting to see him, and know he is not with a new girl, or is wearing the same ugly jeans, but what purpose does this achieve? We have not broken our emotional dependence upon him, and are reinforcing the psychological bond which must be severed following the severance of relationship ties.
4. Being dumped is not a defence to criminality-
Revenge is a dish best served cold. So, throwing rocks at his windows/keying his car/ripping the pockets out of his pants/any other form of spiteful act really just reinforces his (deranged) motivations for ending it in the first place.
So this pretty much brings me to the crux of my rant:
The best way to enact revenge is to live the best life you can for yourself. Think hot, look hot, be happy. Surround yourself by people who love you, and feel free to fish for compliments to bank to neutralise his shit.
Because one day, be it ten days or ten years later, you will bump into him. And you will look better than him. And be better than him. It’s a question of how much better. Make him rue the day he ever ended it.
And before this comes off as too preachy, here is some news about me:
I have been obsessing over a relationship which whilst short, was filled with a ridiculous degree of passion, intensity, meaning, depth, friendship, compatibility and overall- potential.
His decision to end it on the grounds of ‘not seeking something too serious’ left me in a quandary. Did he just want to play the field? Well evidently not, as his time seems to be spent on facebook or with his guy friends, NOT picking up other women.
So then why? Why was I not good enough?
This hurt more than discovering infidelity, and took a long time to get over. But as of today I am 100% ok, and I know it. I do not fantasise about running into him, or him declaring his mistake and his newly realised unabashed love for me.
I hid his facebook news, I avoid his house, and I live my life for me.
(this only started today…. So learn from my mistakes!!!!)
Love, Peace and Gin to all…
So how do we obviate the hurt? Do we obviate it? Or do we let ourselves have a big fat wallow accompanied by chocolate, wine, gin and scenes not unlike Bridget Jones’ breakdown?
Honestly, I have no idea. But my rule of thumb from past understandings is that it takes around half the duration of the relationship to move on. Until that time, you’re pretty much stuffed. Take the pain, the anger, the drunken ramblings and roll with it. But here are some tried and tested words of wisdom (or… learning from my mistakes) as to what NOT to do:
1. Eschew technology-
Whilst Facebook et al are fabulous sources for information gathering, once you have established his position on the retard scale by virtue of him dumping your ass you don’t need a reminder of this.
The constant stalking of his page and lingering on chat hoping for him to appear is not helping you. Because what you are more than likely to see is him being tagged in photos with girls uglier than you, befriending slutty whores and having them incessantly comment on his wall.
Will this make you feel better? Certainly not. So JUST DON’T DO IT. Reduce the feeds you get about him…. The old adage of out of sight out of mind is most definitely true.
2. You are STILL the Hot One-
No matter how much of a douche he was in breaking it off, the fact remains that you are the hot one. So whilst he may need to run out and hook up with random skanky bitches as a means of affirming his own self worth, lowering your standards and slipping your tongue into the mouth of a lesser representative of the opposite gender does not help.
Don’t have an ugly rebound romance, and please, for the love of God don’t post it on facebook. You will regret it. I promise. I’ve been there.
Go for a run, have some gin, smoke a joint. Whatever makes you smile. Just don’t put it on the web… you are the hot one- don’t post photos which could indicate otherwise.
3. Whilst Facebook stalking is legal, physical intelligence gathering is more of an ethical and legal misnomer.
But lets face it, we do it.
It may be the frequenting of the favourite café where you used to share a Sunday morning brunch, going to a gig you perhaps wouldn’t in the hope of a run in, or altering your route to work ever so slightly to drive past his house.
Whilst we all do it, I’m fairly certain we don’t own up to it. Why? Coz we think it would make us sound COMPLETELY FUCKING CRAZY.
And it is. It feels comforting to see him, and know he is not with a new girl, or is wearing the same ugly jeans, but what purpose does this achieve? We have not broken our emotional dependence upon him, and are reinforcing the psychological bond which must be severed following the severance of relationship ties.
4. Being dumped is not a defence to criminality-
Revenge is a dish best served cold. So, throwing rocks at his windows/keying his car/ripping the pockets out of his pants/any other form of spiteful act really just reinforces his (deranged) motivations for ending it in the first place.
So this pretty much brings me to the crux of my rant:
The best way to enact revenge is to live the best life you can for yourself. Think hot, look hot, be happy. Surround yourself by people who love you, and feel free to fish for compliments to bank to neutralise his shit.
Because one day, be it ten days or ten years later, you will bump into him. And you will look better than him. And be better than him. It’s a question of how much better. Make him rue the day he ever ended it.
And before this comes off as too preachy, here is some news about me:
I have been obsessing over a relationship which whilst short, was filled with a ridiculous degree of passion, intensity, meaning, depth, friendship, compatibility and overall- potential.
His decision to end it on the grounds of ‘not seeking something too serious’ left me in a quandary. Did he just want to play the field? Well evidently not, as his time seems to be spent on facebook or with his guy friends, NOT picking up other women.
So then why? Why was I not good enough?
This hurt more than discovering infidelity, and took a long time to get over. But as of today I am 100% ok, and I know it. I do not fantasise about running into him, or him declaring his mistake and his newly realised unabashed love for me.
I hid his facebook news, I avoid his house, and I live my life for me.
(this only started today…. So learn from my mistakes!!!!)
Love, Peace and Gin to all…
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Facebook Has Made My Stalking 97% More Efficient-
There’s a reason over 12 000 people have joined this group- for better or worse, Facebook has converted us all to part-time private eyes. Whether its our drunken pash from the night before, the cute boy in our tutorial, or even your current boyfriend’s ex… we have knowledge at our fingertips.
So how does this impact our relationships? With all this new information before us, are we better able to identify the needle in the Retard haystack? Unfortunately no. It seems that despite our favourite friends Google, Facebook, Myspace (for a time-capsule glimpse of your new love 2 years ago), Twitter, White Pages and Google Streetview (eep) just further enable the Retard to hide his abnormality behind his carefully constructed cyber self.
So how to cut through the shit and identify the degree of retardation from word go?
The technological snooping tools are overwhelming, so lets use today’s lesson to discuss the Number One offender: Facebook.
Here are some key areas to examine in assessing your man’s position on the Retardation Scale:
Profile Picture: Hands down the greatest indicator. Certain things are no go zones. These include shirtless profile pictures, the ‘pimp in a posse of ho’s’ look, drunken mates photos, overly wanky artistic shots or any photo involving a man who is off tits on pills, or enjoying a sneaky spliff. If any of these are present, clearly he is functionally retarded and is in need of asylum. Check past profile pictures too- he may be alert to your stalkerish ways and censored his shady past.
His ‘About Me’: This series of boxes offers the chance to show your best self to the world. If he has deigned it necessary to complete, he will typically fall into two categories, both of which concerning. These are:
Trashbag: His favourite music resembles the back of a Ministry of Sound Annual- PNAU, Presets, Muscles, Carl Cox, Potbelleez (aaah) and if you are lucky, maybe a smattering of MSTRKRFT/Justice/Dizzee Rascal. His interests include: hanging with mates, drinking beers, festivals, the beach and playing footy.
Yes. He is indeed as shallow as his profile portrays him. Unless you can conduct an indepth conversation as to the merits of the latest Festival lineup, or how ‘zomg totally awesome Daft Punk were even though it was 3 years ago and I was like, totally off chops, but fuck man” you will be ready to shoot yourself in the head in an attempt to maintain sanity.
Indie Intellectual: His mortal enemy is the Trashbag, and he will use his Facebook information to demonstrate this. He will go to extraordinary lengths to detail his favourite avant guard films (Donnie Darko, Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind, Full Metal Jacket, Black Balloon etc) and authors (Kerouac, Capote, Safran-Foer etc). His interests include red wine, coffee, second hand books and developing nations.
This kid thrives on self-worth through abstraction. Unless you are prepared to sit through plays that make Waiting for Godot look like an episode of Home and Away, back away before he explodes from an overfill of self worth.
Wall Postings/Photos Tagged: This is your greatest indication of his true nature, unless (like me) he is protective of his online image. Here, you can get to know his friends, judge them, and in doing so, judge him.
Does he have 20 messages on a Sunday morning consisting of “Maaan…. How fucked was last night? Who was that chick you were with? Tap that shit? Fuuuck my head”?
If he does, I don’t really need to say anymore.
Similarly, is it nonsensical postings which have no discernable meaning to any sanendiidual outside their clique (or should I perhaps say cult)? Back away…. I know this man. I know his friends. I dated one. This man is incapable of relationships, but is in a committed bromance… or indeed many. You will have to schedule well in advance to see this boy, as his friends and their X-Boxes trump your vagina any day.
Related to this are the tagged photos. Drunken/Stoned/Munted photos are just ugly… this is your man at his worst. Do you really want this? Check out comments such as “piiisssed”, “drankan” and other pieces of bullshit. This is the complete extent of their communicative ability.
Who is he in the photos with? If it is once again his posse of bleach blonde, orange trash-bat girls who look like their main aspiration is pose in Ralph/FHM then you have no place in his life… you are his dirty little secret. What would his similarly retarded buddies thinking of him dating someone who can actually spell???
Also, if it is photo after photo of guys embracing, arms over shoulders, holding beers and pulling goofy faces, then please ask yourself: Where do I fit in this photo? With the other girlfriends at home perhaps? If you are prepared to settle for this- invest in a comfortable couch. You will spend many a Saturday night there.
This is just the beginning of Facebook transgressions, however through our experience, these offences are so common, if you can make it to the end of this posting without recognising one of these Retard symptoms, you may well have found yourself one of the exceptions….
But perhaps check Myspace/Twitter/Google and every other tool favoured by a proper stalker before you get too excited….
So how does this impact our relationships? With all this new information before us, are we better able to identify the needle in the Retard haystack? Unfortunately no. It seems that despite our favourite friends Google, Facebook, Myspace (for a time-capsule glimpse of your new love 2 years ago), Twitter, White Pages and Google Streetview (eep) just further enable the Retard to hide his abnormality behind his carefully constructed cyber self.
So how to cut through the shit and identify the degree of retardation from word go?
The technological snooping tools are overwhelming, so lets use today’s lesson to discuss the Number One offender: Facebook.
Here are some key areas to examine in assessing your man’s position on the Retardation Scale:
Profile Picture: Hands down the greatest indicator. Certain things are no go zones. These include shirtless profile pictures, the ‘pimp in a posse of ho’s’ look, drunken mates photos, overly wanky artistic shots or any photo involving a man who is off tits on pills, or enjoying a sneaky spliff. If any of these are present, clearly he is functionally retarded and is in need of asylum. Check past profile pictures too- he may be alert to your stalkerish ways and censored his shady past.
His ‘About Me’: This series of boxes offers the chance to show your best self to the world. If he has deigned it necessary to complete, he will typically fall into two categories, both of which concerning. These are:
Trashbag: His favourite music resembles the back of a Ministry of Sound Annual- PNAU, Presets, Muscles, Carl Cox, Potbelleez (aaah) and if you are lucky, maybe a smattering of MSTRKRFT/Justice/Dizzee Rascal. His interests include: hanging with mates, drinking beers, festivals, the beach and playing footy.
Yes. He is indeed as shallow as his profile portrays him. Unless you can conduct an indepth conversation as to the merits of the latest Festival lineup, or how ‘zomg totally awesome Daft Punk were even though it was 3 years ago and I was like, totally off chops, but fuck man” you will be ready to shoot yourself in the head in an attempt to maintain sanity.
Indie Intellectual: His mortal enemy is the Trashbag, and he will use his Facebook information to demonstrate this. He will go to extraordinary lengths to detail his favourite avant guard films (Donnie Darko, Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind, Full Metal Jacket, Black Balloon etc) and authors (Kerouac, Capote, Safran-Foer etc). His interests include red wine, coffee, second hand books and developing nations.
This kid thrives on self-worth through abstraction. Unless you are prepared to sit through plays that make Waiting for Godot look like an episode of Home and Away, back away before he explodes from an overfill of self worth.
Wall Postings/Photos Tagged: This is your greatest indication of his true nature, unless (like me) he is protective of his online image. Here, you can get to know his friends, judge them, and in doing so, judge him.
Does he have 20 messages on a Sunday morning consisting of “Maaan…. How fucked was last night? Who was that chick you were with? Tap that shit? Fuuuck my head”?
If he does, I don’t really need to say anymore.
Similarly, is it nonsensical postings which have no discernable meaning to any sanendiidual outside their clique (or should I perhaps say cult)? Back away…. I know this man. I know his friends. I dated one. This man is incapable of relationships, but is in a committed bromance… or indeed many. You will have to schedule well in advance to see this boy, as his friends and their X-Boxes trump your vagina any day.
Related to this are the tagged photos. Drunken/Stoned/Munted photos are just ugly… this is your man at his worst. Do you really want this? Check out comments such as “piiisssed”, “drankan” and other pieces of bullshit. This is the complete extent of their communicative ability.
Who is he in the photos with? If it is once again his posse of bleach blonde, orange trash-bat girls who look like their main aspiration is pose in Ralph/FHM then you have no place in his life… you are his dirty little secret. What would his similarly retarded buddies thinking of him dating someone who can actually spell???
Also, if it is photo after photo of guys embracing, arms over shoulders, holding beers and pulling goofy faces, then please ask yourself: Where do I fit in this photo? With the other girlfriends at home perhaps? If you are prepared to settle for this- invest in a comfortable couch. You will spend many a Saturday night there.
This is just the beginning of Facebook transgressions, however through our experience, these offences are so common, if you can make it to the end of this posting without recognising one of these Retard symptoms, you may well have found yourself one of the exceptions….
But perhaps check Myspace/Twitter/Google and every other tool favoured by a proper stalker before you get too excited….
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