Public Displays of Affection make me hurl

Dear Diary,

I have a massive whinge for you. And yes, it is Facebook related.

I could try and be one of those people who pretends they don’t “do” facebook. Pretend to be so eclectic, whimsical and consumed with the issues of the world that I don’t have time for such nonsense, however let’s not kid ourselves. Facebook is the primary communication tool embraced by Gen Y, and it would be positively ‘un-hip’ to deny my devotion.

So….

What is really upsetting me today, and has been for some time now, is those individuals (or should I say couples) who use facebook as a tool to publicly affirm their commitment to each other.

We all know these people. Their profile pictures feature themselves and significant other in some form of passionate embrace. Their status reads something along the lines of “Kelly Jane is so in love with Marc. I am the luckiest girl in all the world”. And your minified is clogged with their wall-to-wall of completely pointless postings consisting of numerous x’s, o’s and other nonsensical bullshit.

Yeah ok look, we get it. You love each other. Good for you, I’m happy for you. Really, I am. But for the love of God I do not need to see this when I log into facebook to check my wall postings over a bowl of muesli in the morning. It makes my bran flakes difficult to stomach.

I promise this indignation does not stem from jealousy. If I think back to my Facebook behaviour whilst coupled, it certainly does not resemble such suffocating tendencies.

If I read the wall- to-wall between myself and my partner of three years, it shows a grand total of three posts in three years which are:1. You smell.
2. My brother is on the phone. Will be over in fifteen. Hope you see this.
3. Your phone is switched off. What time do we have to be at the party?

Riveting stuff all round.

Looking back to my other substantial relationship reveals absolutely nothing in the way of wall postings, inbox messages or any other clap trap. Why? Because we were together. We did not need to resort to a public forum to communicate because we could call each other.

We did not post couple photos as profile pictures as we saw ourselves as two individuals in a relationship, not one horrifying entity.

Our relationship was conducted in private, for us only. The way one presumes any relationship should be.

To me, this public saccharine shit which is forced upon me by virtue of stalker feed is repugnant. It reeks of desperation and insecurity.

Why else would one seek some public affirmation of their virtue as a couple?

My unsolicited advice for these half-wits: Step away from the computer. And walk into the arms of your other half. Do what couples do. If you don’t know what I mean, you really need to spend less time on facebook and more time in the bedroom. Because you really can’t update your status whilst doing the dirty.

Or perhaps you can… but if you are, you have more issues than I have time to deal with here.

PS. This person captures it better than I ever could (perhaps as they know how to do a screenshot). Hilarious

http://ruthie-zaftig.blogspot.com/2009/03/how-to-have-obnoxious-facebook.html

"I'm like so post post-modern you know... I'm like totally innovative"

He was a punk.
She did ballet.
What more can I say?


Yeah, I did. I totally did. I quoted Avril Lavigne. Have you lost all respect for me?

Utterly horrifying, yes?


You may have noticed I like to try and use music as my references for blog titles and inspiration. As I trawled through my playlists searching for something to represent my subject of today, I could find nothing. And then, over the blare of Little Richard’s Tutti Frutti came the strains (and I mean strains) of Miss Lavigne’s insult to music.

However, there really is no simpler, albeit cruder, way to summarily capture my topic of today.

That is, how much do you need to have in common with someone in order for them to be interested in you?

Admittedly I shall not be taking an holistic approach to this issue, rather examining from a purely personal, far more gripey perspective, as to be honest, I am feeling quite self indulgent.

As I wrote previously, my devilish stalking revealed the identity of the ex-girlfriend of the man currently lighting my fire.

My modern day Jim Morrison was previously partnered with a now incredibly successful tour de force in a particular creative industry, working with some of my absolute idols.

She is an industry leader in London and around the world, and represents everything I aspire to (albeit in a different industry).

A little sidenote: Whilst we attempt to maintain some degree of anonymity as to our identities and what-not, it is important to note for the meaning of this post, I have only recently abandoned five years of Law and Politics degrees to seek a more creative future most likely aligned in writing, whilst dabbling in a little musical sideproject. Hence, I have only just began flexing my creative muscle and as such it remains a very weak, vulnerable and self-conscious lonely little muscle.

Anyhoo, given that my swoon-worthy male (let’s call him Jim) is also in a creative industry, these two were no doubt peas in a pod and could feed off each others’ innovative little synapse flares and further each others’ careers.

Which they did, for a time.

If this is the kind of person he appreciates, then do I stand a chance?

Is my future with this individual dependant upon my ability to produce abstract photography, or detail my comfortable upper-middle class existence with such hyperbole and narcissism I present it to be tantamount to a class based concentration camp of convenience?

(Sorry, inherent objection to comfortable little rich kids growing dreadlocks, smoking pot, putting photos of this on facebook and calling themselves revolutionaries because they “like totally, you know, like just *get* the struggle of the Venezuelans”. Ugh)

Extremely amazing advertisement completely encapsulting 'creative hipster' bullshit scene

If so, it seems this little dalliance shall be incredibly short lived should it ever get off the ground.

Is it possible for him to be content with someone whose passions are not so closely aligned? How much of us is what we do?

Then again, I have to ask myself: how much of what I am attracted to in him is aligned to his creative output?

Let’s be honest, haven’t we all had a little crush on a musician due in part to the lyrics they produce… imagining ourselves the subject of the romantic melodic storytelling?

Ah it is a struggle. Perhaps I should take comfort in the age old wisdom doled out to young women by mothers for decades now: If he cannot appreciate you exactly the way you are, he is not worthy of your interest.

Oh Mum, if only it were all that simple.

I See You Baby... online

I really should learn to follow my own advice. Truly.

I previously counselled against gleaning information via the www about current, potential or former partners. Those cold hard facts, or even unsubstantiated allusions bite like little bullets at our hearts.

It can be a change in ‘relationship status’ on Facebook, incriminating photos posted of your man with new women or indeed finding his own cyber contributions to (far less noteworthy) blogs.

I have two particular incidents of information gathering (a far more flattering term than plain old stalking) which stand out in my mind.

The first was soon after meeting a gentleman who would come to occupy a not-insignificant portion of my formative years. After a period of courtship, I did what any self-respecting Generation Y member does: visits Google for some sneaky research.

After the standard Facebook references, Number 1 result after a name search was a contribution made to an online study forum for the Higher School Certificate from many, many years ago. This individual had posted an essay used for an English assessment, complete with abbreviations “u” in place of “you” and “2” in place of “to”.

Before I even began contemplating whether it was ever acceptable to use personal pronouns in formal literature assessments, I was overwhelmed with absolute humiliation that something so abhorrent to me (poor grammar) had apparently crept into my list of acceptable qualities in a partner.

However I was smitten, and rather than contemplate a future of monotonous conversations devoid of witty language manipulations, substituted instead with grunts and moans, I forgave such a crime.

This momentary omission in good judgement caused me months in relationship pain an anguish, resulting in an ultimate demise. Whilst the death of the affair is more than likely not connected to his absolute language rape, in future I shall certainly be more critical of the vocabulary faculties of potential partners.

The second occasion of ill-advised stalking happened just minutes ago, and prompted me to write this post as a form of therapy.

I was happily doing ‘research’ on a certain gentlemen I have a sweet spot for, when I happened upon information regarding his previous girlfriend.

You may wonder where I found such information…. Facebook? Twitter? A blog? Godforbid Myspace?

None of these.

No, it was Wikipedia.

She is so accomplished in her field of creativity she has a freaking Wikipedia posting.

Besides my HSC results, this blog forms the peak of documentation of my online success (fml much?).

So now, I’m feeling quite unworthy and pathetic,

Why? Am I pathetic? Yes, quite possibly. I googled. I stalked. Rather than watch re-runs of Harry Potter on Channel 9 like every other normal (?) person, I sit in my study, blasting Cream and brushing up my Private Eye skills.

Unworthy? Perhaps not. Considerations as to the suitability of creative folks for non-creative people is subject for further blog fodder, however needless to say, I was perfectly happy in my own skin until I began comparing myself to a person who not only no longer features in this man’s life, but now lives overseas and is dating a member of a rather famous band.

Moral of the story: Stop stalking! Back away from the computer. Go for a run, go to a café, write some lyrics, have a double gin.

Or even better, write a blog post telling the cyber world detailing just how pathetic you are.

Facebook Has Made My Stalking 97% More Efficient-

There’s a reason over 12 000 people have joined this group- for better or worse, Facebook has converted us all to part-time private eyes. Whether its our drunken pash from the night before, the cute boy in our tutorial, or even your current boyfriend’s ex… we have knowledge at our fingertips.

So how does this impact our relationships? With all this new information before us, are we better able to identify the needle in the Retard haystack? Unfortunately no. It seems that despite our favourite friends Google, Facebook, Myspace (for a time-capsule glimpse of your new love 2 years ago), Twitter, White Pages and Google Streetview (eep) just further enable the Retard to hide his abnormality behind his carefully constructed cyber self.

So how to cut through the shit and identify the degree of retardation from word go?

The technological snooping tools are overwhelming, so lets use today’s lesson to discuss the Number One offender: Facebook.

Here are some key areas to examine in assessing your man’s position on the Retardation Scale:

Profile Picture: Hands down the greatest indicator. Certain things are no go zones. These include shirtless profile pictures, the ‘pimp in a posse of ho’s’ look, drunken mates photos, overly wanky artistic shots or any photo involving a man who is off tits on pills, or enjoying a sneaky spliff. If any of these are present, clearly he is functionally retarded and is in need of asylum. Check past profile pictures too- he may be alert to your stalkerish ways and censored his shady past.


His ‘About Me’: This series of boxes offers the chance to show your best self to the world. If he has deigned it necessary to complete, he will typically fall into two categories, both of which concerning. These are:

Trashbag: His favourite music resembles the back of a Ministry of Sound Annual- PNAU, Presets, Muscles, Carl Cox, Potbelleez (aaah) and if you are lucky, maybe a smattering of MSTRKRFT/Justice/Dizzee Rascal. His interests include: hanging with mates, drinking beers, festivals, the beach and playing footy.
Yes. He is indeed as shallow as his profile portrays him. Unless you can conduct an indepth conversation as to the merits of the latest Festival lineup, or how ‘zomg totally awesome Daft Punk were even though it was 3 years ago and I was like, totally off chops, but fuck man” you will be ready to shoot yourself in the head in an attempt to maintain sanity.

Indie Intellectual: His mortal enemy is the Trashbag, and he will use his Facebook information to demonstrate this. He will go to extraordinary lengths to detail his favourite avant guard films (Donnie Darko, Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind, Full Metal Jacket, Black Balloon etc) and authors (Kerouac, Capote, Safran-Foer etc). His interests include red wine, coffee, second hand books and developing nations.

This kid thrives on self-worth through abstraction. Unless you are prepared to sit through plays that make Waiting for Godot look like an episode of Home and Away, back away before he explodes from an overfill of self worth.


Wall Postings/Photos Tagged: This is your greatest indication of his true nature, unless (like me) he is protective of his online image. Here, you can get to know his friends, judge them, and in doing so, judge him.

Does he have 20 messages on a Sunday morning consisting of “Maaan…. How fucked was last night? Who was that chick you were with? Tap that shit? Fuuuck my head”?
If he does, I don’t really need to say anymore.

Similarly, is it nonsensical postings which have no discernable meaning to any sanendiidual outside their clique (or should I perhaps say cult)? Back away…. I know this man. I know his friends. I dated one. This man is incapable of relationships, but is in a committed bromance… or indeed many. You will have to schedule well in advance to see this boy, as his friends and their X-Boxes trump your vagina any day.

Related to this are the tagged photos. Drunken/Stoned/Munted photos are just ugly… this is your man at his worst. Do you really want this? Check out comments such as “piiisssed”, “drankan” and other pieces of bullshit. This is the complete extent of their communicative ability.

Who is he in the photos with? If it is once again his posse of bleach blonde, orange trash-bat girls who look like their main aspiration is pose in Ralph/FHM then you have no place in his life… you are his dirty little secret. What would his similarly retarded buddies thinking of him dating someone who can actually spell???

Also, if it is photo after photo of guys embracing, arms over shoulders, holding beers and pulling goofy faces, then please ask yourself: Where do I fit in this photo? With the other girlfriends at home perhaps? If you are prepared to settle for this- invest in a comfortable couch. You will spend many a Saturday night there.


This is just the beginning of Facebook transgressions, however through our experience, these offences are so common, if you can make it to the end of this posting without recognising one of these Retard symptoms, you may well have found yourself one of the exceptions….

But perhaps check Myspace/Twitter/Google and every other tool favoured by a proper stalker before you get too excited….