Love Games

*blog title entirely devoted to Miss L’s new-found obsession with Lady Gaga, as well as of course the most famous Mighty Boosh song, sung by my favourite little downstairs mix-up, Old Gregg*

After my post a few days ago regarding types of men I have been attracted to over the years, Miss L followed up with her assessment of the same issue with great humour and an almost gratuitous photo homage to Zac Efron….

And it struck me that according to her flipbook of sexual desires, Miss L appears quite content with a man who can rock a pair of Ray-bans with attitude (indeed she even accessorised Mr Potter!).

So if she were to compose a list of desirable attributes in a future partner, his ability to rock the glasses would come top?

Or would this be trumped by a deeper desire, more befitting of a meaningful relationship, where accessorising skills came a distant second?

In my case, I have found that whilst my surface desires are often apparently indeed that (bloody shallow), the substance of my actual relationship is deeply different from anything I would write on a list cataloguing my desired attributes.

I am not as skilled as Miss L in creating pictorial representations of dreamboat men in Paint, so instead I shall refer to a list I wrote at age 12, kept in a diary for posterity (and giggles) which describes ad nauseum, my dream boy:
-blonde hair
-blue eyes
-tall and tanned
-preferably in a boy band

Aka I saw myself marrying Taylor Hanson. I’m fairly certain I had planned the wedding and everything… with matching shoulder length blonde hair we would have quite the fetching wedding album *ugh*.

Needless to say, I never actually dated anyone remotely similar to the list I had devised in my mind (thank god!).

Similarly, if I was to compose a list of my present day desires, they would certainly not paint an image of the men I have dated in the not-so distant past. The previously depicted representation of the dirty, indie rocker is far removed from the actual man, who have all been fairly straight, university attending, high achieving individuals who would look horribly out of place pacing the stage of Spectrum.

Similarly, that swagger and arrogance intrinsically linked with guitar virtuosity would be horribly suited to a functional relationship. My relationships are big enough for my ego only.

Apparently relationship books encourage the desperate and dateless to write a checklist of what they want in a potential partner.

I wouldn’t know as I have never read one… apart from ‘The Game’. I read this after spotting it on the bookshelf of a man I was involved in next to more worthy tomes such as his Environmental Management, Physics and Australian History textbooks.
This horrified me: Did his strategic bookshelfing indicate its worth in his life? Did he religiously study this in the same way one would rote learn Einstein's theories before a final exam? Was I an assignment? Some form of assessment as to the level of his skills learnt from such studious application?


Needless to say, after leaving his apartment, I hurried across to Borders to get a Chamomile Tea to calm my shattered nerves, and a copy of Neil Strauss’s step by step guide to transform the ‘average frustrated chump’ to ‘master pick-up artist”.

I shuddered as I flicked through the pages and realised just how many of these ‘techniques’ had been trialled upon me by various men throughout my young adulthood.

And I began thinking: Is ‘The Game’ mandatory reading in boys’ high schools? Young women read Pride and Prejudice in gaining an understanding of Austen’s representations of society and relationships, whilst young men learn that ‘negging’ is the way into a woman’s pants?

So now, I compose a new checklist of desirable attributes, devastatingly effective in its simplicity:
Does not have ‘The Game’ as a seminal influence in his understanding of relationships.
See Number 1.

Hopefully then I shall avoid the awful gameplaying (pun entirely intended) experienced in the declining stages of this particular dalliance.