Welcome, one and all to a new regular feature of this little spot: the Mass-Debate. Yes, say it out loud. It’s rude. And funny. Ha ha ha…. (see, laughter!)
Anyway, this idea sprouted directly from a conversation between the two contributors to this site as to an issue directly related to relationships and dating. We disagreed on this issue, and both began stating our cases as to why we were correct.
Then, as great minds so often do, we came to the same idea: why not redirect this energy to a more permanent form, complete with structured sentences, and less wine.
So here you have it: The Mass-Debate!
Topic One: Is love really necessary?
Carrying the flag for love is Miss A, whilst Miss L argues the point that we’re all just fine the way we are, without those pesky emotions getting in the way.
Here you go… sit down, strap in and we hope you enjoy….
This Modern Love: The affirmative from Miss A
It must be the Libran in me, but I love Love.
However let me clarify. I love deep, true and private love. I absolutely despise twee, commercialised conceptions of love. Public displays of affection make me physically ill. In fact, my friend and I have been known to throw bread rolls at those who offend our senses of public decency by engaging in some form of tongue war.
I cannot comprehend ‘chick flicks’ and am perhaps the only member of my close circle who just doesn’t quite ‘get’ Twilight (the wayfarers however, yes). Similarly, grand gestures give me no joy- the dozen roses, the teddy bears, the Valentines Day pressure- not for me.
What I do appreciate is that unparalleled friendship, bond and understanding that is only possible between two people intimately involved. Having one person able to identify your every emotion just by the way you move your hands, divert your eyes and your vocal inflections is both frightening and incredibly special.
Having someone know all of your stories, but still be happy to sit through them as you absent mindedly repeat the tale, someone that knows that it is not words that are necessary in times of crisis, but the ability to mix a good gin and tonic.
What is Love?
Love is coming home to see your boyfriend changing the oil in your car to save you having to pay for it a week before you are leaving him to go pursue London adventures.
Love is him crying at the airport dropping you, even though you will be back in a week.
Love is deciding to order takeaway so you can sit and watch Masterchef together rather than worrying about dinner.
Love is sitting in the rain, watching him play rugby every weekend for years. Love is going to his gig and watching the same songs every time, but still getting a little excited when you hear the one you know is about you.
Love is hangovers shared. Streaky day old makeup, that undeniable ‘day after drinking’ smell, and dissolving two Berocca’s rather than one.
Love is pain. Love is paranoia. Love is jealousy. Love can really hurt.
But how can one appreciate joy without its relative evil twin? Without resorting to crude make up sex references, there is something to be said for disagreement as cathartic, developmental and evolutionary to a relationship.
The pain, the hurt and the feeling of vulnerability we feel are directly related to the care, and reflective of the importance and value we place on the relationship.
To discount love for fear of hurt is to reject feeling.
I would rather endure all the lows so I can keep topping my memory bank of highs. For even when I am alone I can recall first dates, walks in the rain, nights spent in bed, man stroking your hair as you sing your favourite tunes together. I can recall holidays, birthdays, adventures and laughter, yet in all of my relationships, I struggle to remember disagreement despite its obvious presence.
And besides, without pain, how could someone produce lyrics such as these? (and how could we both empathise, and swoon to them at the same time?)
You won’t fade away in the windmill of my mind
You will be named in song, that I’ll sing and suffer in a strict 4/4 time
Ahhh does it really have to be 500 words long???? I’m really sick at the moment, and so I probably make no sense, but I’ve just written things I think are true and I hope it collectively relates to the question.
Some conclusions I have made following my own, combined with others’ similar, romantic experiences:
1. You can’t rely on a boyfriend’s love to make you happy. You need to be happy within yourself, and love yourself, before you can love someone.
2. Men can change their mind about how they feel about you, extremely quickly. Whether you are extremely sensitive emotionally, or not, you are going to be hurt, because he will change his mind. After this has happened a few times, you will be scared to go out with anyone new, and probably find yourself focussing your romantic energy into a narrow ‘top five crush system’. Crush #1 not fulfilling you today? Move onto Crush #2, and so on. My top five crushes include men who are wholly unattainable. No disappointment is possible. I am safe. Hopefully this unrealistic world I am fully engaged in, will be submerged by a happier reality one day!
3. While noone wants to be alone and unloved, I would much prefer to be alone than be in a self destructing relationship which will harm my esteem for at least twice as long as we are/were together. Some people say that all change, (sorry .... yr 11 english .... ) is good change. But in regards to relationships, surely the good change which inevitably follows a bad breakup or hurtful romantic experience, could have occured much earlier if you weren't a damaged soul for months? Surely, being upset and living an insular life for a certain amount of time was not as helpful as if you had avoided the trauma in the first place?!?!
4. You are not alone if you surround yourself with your closest friends. Meet your girlfriends for breakfast. It’s good.
5. If I am to venture into a 'love situation' soon, I feel at present my one relationship non-negotiable is having someone who is supportive of me, and encouraging what is the very best I can be, because that is exactly where my interests would lie towards them. Maybe we just need to be more selective in who we let in to our hearts: I have known some girls who have moved from man to man within weeks (sometimes days) of each other, and I certainly discount the belief that this is a natural, healthy and youthful living style. I think it has an overall degrading quality, and is psychologically confusing.
love should never be an aim… if it happens, it happens, if it doesn’t, it doesn’t. It is too tiring and upsetting in the end, if you invest energy and emotion into a Retard just because you're seeking a life filled with it.
[I may have to edit this when I am feeling better. Sorry if you feel you have become more stupid after reading what I've written. I hope it at least makes some sense.]
I have never debated before.
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